#this won't be a huge thing though
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Damian lost. Damian has never lost before. He never loses! Losing means you're weak, and Damian is not weak. He grew up fast and strong and is only ever getting stronger!
But he couldn't kill her.
Damian had been raised to think that love of any kind was a weakness. Grandfather did not love mother because he is not weak. Mother loved father and that made her weak. Damian could not love Danyal because that would make him weak. Grandfather expected great things from him. He could not afford to be weak.
Before they were set to leave Nanda Parbat to live and train with their father, Damian and Danyal had one final lesson with Grandfather. A fight, two versus one, on the edge of the Lazarus Pits.
Danyal did not survive. He did not resurface from the depths of the green water.
Grandfather called him weak. Mother said nothing. Damian was given no time to mourn before he was handed to his father with strict orders not to tell him about Danyal.
For all Grandfather and mother had done to him, Damian could not bring himself to kill either of them. His father had taught him to love, that it was a strength.
Damian loved his mother. He realized this as he stared into her eyes, his katana at her throat, his boot pinning her down. He could not kill her.
"You are foolish, habibi." she scolded, kneeing his back and sending him rolling forwards off of her and to the edge of the Pits. "You have discarded all I taught you."
"I have only added to those lessons," he faced her, "I remember everything you have taught me."
"You lie like your father. Obviously and bluntly."
"I have never lied to you."
"Then you have forgone my lessons!"
"Because you abandoned me!"
"I sent you away to learn. I came back for you. You abandoned me."
"A mother's role to teach her child just as the father's role is to protect." Damian leveled his weapon at her again. "You left me in the care of everyone but yourself, Talia Al Ghoul. You were only ever our mother in title, not name."
Talia lunged forward, meeting Damian's sword with her own. "You know not of what you speak, foolish child!"
"I know plenty!" He pushed back, forcing her back several feet. He followed if only to get away from the edge of the Pits. "No thanks to you."
"I gave you everything, Damian."
"No. You took everything from me. You held it all as a reward out of my reach."
"You wouldn't be where you are today if it wasn't for me and your Grandfather." she stated as though it were an undeniable truth, "Whether you acknowledge it or not, we raised you."
"I raised myself."
"We taught you everything you know."
"I taught myself!"
"We made you perfect!"
"You killed half of me!"
The silence overwhelmed the fighting in the tunnels, the shouting and running and bubbling of the Pits were all drowned out. Talia's sword lowered shakily. Damian's remained raised and steady.
"You allowed Grandfather to take Danyal from me. You forced me to forget him. You killed half of me."
"Habibi-"
"No!" He was shaking now. "He was my better half, just as I was his. And you took him from me."
"Damian-"
"You took my brother from me!" He charged madly at her, rage and grief overtaking him. "I will never forgive you for that!"
Talia matched him blow for blow. "Love is weakness, habibi. That is why he died. Danyal loved you and he paid his price for it."
With a scream, Damian doubled his efforts. His blows grew weak with rage as his mother pushed him back.
Damian knew he could not kill her. Some part of him still yearned for her approval. Some part of him still loved her.
Talia's sword impaled itself into the area below his sternum, piercing the armor and skin and muscle, stabbing through to the other side, the hilt stopping it from moving ant further.
Suddenly, the silence flooded over the cavern again. A shrill ringing filled Damian's ears as his grip weakened. His katana fell from his grasp, clattering to the floor so loudly, but so, so quietly. Blood spilled from Damian's mouth with a cough.
Talia drew her sword back, throwing it behind herself as she caught her son. Love is a weakness, but that had not stopped her before. Why hadn't it stopped her now?
"Damian? Habibi?" She cradled his body on her lap, her hand turning his face to her. "My darling?"
Damian's eyes were vacant, staring into a distance unseen. He heard nothing, felt nothing. He knows what was coming next. Sleep. Release. Soon, he'd be in his brother's arms again, just like when they were children. They'd have so long to catch up with each other.
Damian closed his eyes with a soft sigh.
Storyboard Part 2
#damian doesn't survive#i pulled this out of my ass#i need to sleep#but i had to get this out of my head#all of my knowledge is from fanfics and other fanon#dp x dc#dcxdp#damian wayne#talia al ghul#part 1/2#reunion of brothers#only because theres a lot that needs to happen but this is a good place to end#this won't be a huge thing though#sorry not sorry
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it's been like 10 hours and i am still thinking about gerry child experimentation canon. fuck my entire life
#r.txt#confirmed in tmagp which i do not listen to and will not listen to but i was Shown The Evidence#this also confirms that he's a candidate for DID in addition to his already extremely traumatic Rest Of Canon Story Don't Fight Me On It#because he would have been 7-11 years old#probably Closer to 11 though if he was one of the last ones experimented on before the institute burned down#so not DID forming but certainly contributing to the highly likely prior split! his mother is mary keay! he had baby trauma#almost never seen a character more likely to have DID than him and i have seen a good handful#now i'm just on my soapbox about how common DID actually is in our society given the huge prevalence of childhood trauma#anyway. this is the spiral i was sent on because of this new information#still won't be listening to the new thing but i can't resist objectively horrible facts about my poor fucking baby#they did the milgram experiment on him! and he scored low! because obviously!#empathy index 95%! baby!!!!#ugh. ugh!#the things this could have influenced in pbrrrrr. in TSP!!!! fuck!#if i really did just bring pbr back out of nowhere it'd fit right into the scene i was gonna do in the next chapter which is insane#uuuugh
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A really sinister aspect into how people view children and parents is the idea of children being a replaceable commodity.
I've seen this in the way people talk about parents who have lost children but have surviving children... "Oh, at least you have other children," as though a child is just an interchangeable tool, a machine that dispenses what you want from it without it being sentient, whole, and feeling. The fact that people say that in order to comfort somebody shows, to me, how deep this mindset is engraved in people's brains: children are interchangeable items, and they do not fundamentally matter.
#youth rights#child death tw#child death mention tw#grief tw#death tw#death mention tw#ask to tag (genuine)#i won't get into specifics but it's been a huge problem and something you notice if you've gone through it/have a loved one going through i#and it's insulting to the child's memory but also to their siblings...#...because you are treating them like the back-up child. the spare tire. the third wheel. the one who is only cherished when they are Of Us#no longer are they a person. no longer are any of those children actual humans. they're just Things To Be Toyed With#how could that not make you sick to your stomach to even *think* about saying to the bereaved?#i don't think this is just a one-off statement but rather is indicative of a larger problem#because there is a Reason people think it comforting to say 'oh but you have OTHER children; chin up! 😊'#it honestly makes me sick to have even written this post because of how horrific the subject is#but it's still... we need to change this shit. this is plain cruelty. plain and simple. thoughtless and distant cruelty#and yes: people say this to be compassionate and are almost never cruel in their reasoning for saying this...#...that is the PROBLEM though. the problem is that it's seen as OKAY to say this to people whose lives have been destroyed in one fell swoop#the problem's that it's seen as OK to turn children into collectible objects that you can 'get over' like you get over losing a broken glass
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Today's the day we finally move to the new house! It's been a rough journey and a very stressful one, but I'm happy to see it's almost over <3 Our cats are... less than pleased with us lol.
Taking a hiatus has been a huge help, and I'm so glad that many of you have stuck around! Doing Poll's Egg Playdate has been very fun and I hope it continues further! I'm not going off of hiatus just yet; I plan to make my grand return on JUNE 1ST, with the (very short) April recap posting on June 8th.
All of this is to say:
If anyone has poll ideas, requests for accessibility, formating changes, or just any ideas, my inbox is wide open!
I can't wait to come back and make polls again ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
#qsmp#not a poll#I'm trying not to make huge plans because it's just me working here#but I really do want to make things better!#maybe I can squeeze something in for pride month when I come back? I don't have any good ideas right now though#I can't think of anything else to say here#but I plan to start stocking up my queue so I have less to worry about in june#I'm hoping we don't get a new egg until then because I won't be able to edit any of those polls#The problem I'm having with nacho is bad enough#I think Nacho will just have to be in the 'other/combo' option#okay I think I'm done just throw questions into my inbox and I'll answer them as best as I can#although if I ignore any its because I don't have a good answer
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Hold on something's just hit me.
If everyone in the Plex were to believe that Gregory dropped Cassie at the end of Ruin to keep himself from being found, whether he did it or not, wouldn't that make Roxy to one most able to understand him?
As Mimic's guard dog, surely she would know the lengths you have to go through to keep that fucker trapped. A whole team of Raceway construction workers went straight to their deaths down there. Roxy won't let the Raceway be repaired and re-opened in order to keep people safe. She's probably been able to see Mimic and its victims through the floor this entire time, she knows what it can do and what it's done, even if she doesn't know the full extent of it.
She's willing to sacrifice her Raceway and Salon to keep people from finding Mimic. Her pride and joys, basically her whole reason for being built in the first place. They're not worth the risk to her.
Whether Gregory sacrificed Cassie to keep Mimic trapped or not, surely Roxy would realise some sort of similarity. She may think doing that to Cassie was too far, she may think he's a monster for even considering it and she may feel as though nothing could justify what he did... But there's a part of her that gets it. The absolute terror that comes at the slightest possibility that Mimic could escape. She gets that sacrifices have to made, fuck she's made those sacrifices herself. She would never have sacrificed someone for this, that's why she ran headfirst at Mimic instead of just sealing the exits again, but there could be that tiny little part of her that feels the need to constantly to remind her that Gregory was trying to do the same thing she was.
The key difference here, is that if Gregory had done it, it would fall in line with almost everything else we've seen him do. The sacrifices he makes, are of other people, and not himself. He sacrificed Roxy, Chica and Monty to upgrade Freddy for his safety and possibly the safety of Vanessa. If he also dropped Cassie, then he's once again sacrificing someone else for the sake of his own safety. Not like he has that much else to lose, but I'm drawing comparisons here.
Roxy on the other hand, sacrifices herself. She sacrificed her Raceway and her Salon for the benefit of both herself and others. Unlike Gregory finding himself in a hopeless situation and hurting others to get out of it, Roxy was given this job (probably) and chose to give up what little she has in the world to keep the situation from happening. Even when Cassie deactivates her and ends up face to face with Mimic, Roxy jumps straight at it to buy her time to escape which could have easily killed her.
So now you have Roxy, who unfortunately does understand Gregory's choice to drop Cassie (if she believes he did it which yeah she probably does) but has absolutely no sympathy for him. She couldn't care less about him. There's potentially a fearful little voice in her head that she's the same as Gregory that fuels her anger towards him even more. She hasn't ever sacrificed someone else to keep the Mimic at bay and she's been doing it for fuck knows how long, what gives Gregory a free pass? Maybe if he hadn't stolen her fucking eyes she would have been able to stop the whole thing from getting that far anyway!
I'm not saying this to frame Gregory as a villain or anything. I don't think he dropped Cassie and I still think it was entirely Freddy's fault for what happened to the others in SB. I just think this is interesting from a character stand point. The one person that could understand the choices they've made to keep Mimic from escaping is each other, but they're both too hateful of each other for it to affect anything... If they were ever to settle their differences, I think it would have to start here. The only common ground they share, is the one thing no one else does.
But Gregory didn't even fucking do it so I bet that goes well lmao
#fnaf security breach#roxanne wolf#fnaf gregory#fnaf ruin dlc#I'm just thinking here#if Gregory DID do it that would be a fun direction to take this#Roxy so fiercly protective of Cassie and so angry and hurt by Gregory but god fucking damn it she GETS it and she's MAD about it#if he didn't then like. she won't believe him anyway#can you IMAGINE that though??#roxy and gregory end up talking somehow. it's angry its painful and it blows up#they're both crying they were both on the same side that whole time and had just gone about it differently but so similarly#and fucking HELL they both get it.#Mimic scared the shit out of BOTH of them and they were both willing to do whatever it took to stop it#Cassie was Gregory's FRIEND and he felt he had no choice. she was all he had to give whether he liked it or not#Roxy had more to give but her attraction is her life. She was built for the Raceway everything about her and her identity ties back to that#and she felt she had no choice either.#in a way I suppose they both gave their hearts to Mimic. the things that make them who they are were the only things that would do#Gregory's closest and possibly ONLY friend. the only true connection he still has in the outside world.#and Roxy's entire life's purpose as the Pizzaplex's resident racer and hairstylist. the identity she was born into was too risky to keep.#they destroyed huge parts of themselves with their own two hands for the greater good and they did it alone.#what else could they have done?#if they ever came to an understanding about this they wouldn't be able to tell anyone#how can Roxy emphasise with Cassie's would be murderer?#how can Gregory emphasise with someone that would be Freddy's murderer if she didn't think it'd upset Cassie?#I don't think either would sympathise with each other... but I don't think they'd need to#someone else that gets it even a little bit is probably all they want#they stil hate each other after all! they just understand each other more than they might be comfortable with#anyway I'm fucking shattered goodnight lads
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I'm doing it wrong but I'm doing it
#im making an utena cosplay and following a pattern for the jacket and im skipping so many steps in the pattern#I don't have enough fabric for the lining so I'm not lining it and also not interfacing it because i don't have interfacing#and also I'm skipping those steps because I'm going to a halloween thing in 5 days and i wabt to finish this project#and finishing it means making it not be a huge endeavour for me because then i won't even start#adhd procrastination and time blindness versus (nearly) immediate deadline. fight#I've never sewn clothes on my own before. or at least never finished the things I've started. so I'm proud of myself so far#even though I've made a lot of mistakes and it's probably not going to look great#probably no one's going to look too close#hopefully#sewing
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literally the only thing really stopping me from planning a flight is that if i go, i'll want to be there a while and i can't fit enough into only one suitcase
from experience, traveling with two suitcases is a pain, but also i need more space than one suitcase it is a dilemma
#with one suitcase and a carry-on i can take the subway/train easily#two suitcases is harder to walk with and wrangle and means more ubers/taxis#but two suitcases is actually fine on the train#just tough getting around in the station so if i'm staying in one place for a while it would be worth it#i'm not just a chronis overpacker i also have aspec needs to haven certain things available to me#plus it's wonter so like i have bulkier things to take like boots and jackets/sweaters#just my coat is pretty hefty sigh#plus this time i'd have to take a ton of pill bottles - along with making sure i have the meds to last ...#you can tell i'm thinking hard about it though#the place i stayed before in edinburgh is like less than a mile from the train station i could walk for real#i took a cab back then because i was in a hurry and didn't want to miss the train#hmm part of the problem is i need to be able to lift my suitcase and that means it can't be one of the huge ones#i worry my health won't be up to all the walking but also that i'll be worse off next year or if i were to get covid again#plus last time i was in better shape after i'd been traveling awhile and even lost weight so
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my concerta is trapped in prior authorization hell and apparently medicaid has been denying all my claims but the office also hasn't charged me for anything so either medicaid pays for it or no one does???? i don't know!!!!!!! this is why I never want to the doctor before!!!!! I'm just going to carry on and assume it will be fine because otherwise I'm staring down the barrel of a pretty huge meltdown about it and I simply don't have the time any possible future medical debt is going preemptively into the vault where I don't think about it right next to my student loans that I simply Will Not be paying for regardless of what happens in the government. I have medical insurance and if they don't wanna pay out then I guess you're not getting paid because I sure as shit don't have the money and I am ready at a moments notice to completely tank my credit I fear nothing I'm unmedicated (for adhd) and crazy
#brinn's marble run#trying so so hard to avoid throwing a huge strop#it's too early for a strop it might all be fine#though things had been going surprisingly well so I guess I should have anticipated trouble#can things stop happening for like. thirty fucking seconds.#I still have to get my car inspected and it probably won't pass#and I can't afford that either!!!!!
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I've been re-reading your Humanity's Endling fics and I've come to notice something. I recall you said that the chapter names are taken from song names or lyrics. And on the final chapter of Ready For Anything, it's called 'Almost a Stranger'.
You listen to Red Vox by any chance?
Frankly, not as often as I should. But Vinny's got some real talent, and I respect it a ton.
#The Adjudicator has spoken.#vinny vinesauce being a guy making goofass throat noises while also writing songs like that is a huge mood#this grown ass man's toilet humor has irreparably damaged my own sense of humor#see i'm not surprised someone spotted the red vox reference but there's another band i'm waiting on someone catching references to#5 of act i's chapter titles are references to this other band. though most of those titles are using lyrics from songs and not the song nam#and one of them isn't really a reference to any song as it's just. a thing that has it's own meaning so i guess that doesn't rly count#not only that but that particular title is for an album that doesn't exist and won't unless they can make it an actual stage production#so i guess 4 and a half titles?#yeah they're pretty wacky with conceptual bs but the music goes hard tho#first person to figure out each reference gets to run duos with me in fortnite: battle royale#haha just kidding#...unless?
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mm i Neeed to go the beach
#just me hi#wauhuhh !#something about just drifting around in water that i am slightly scared of that really makes my brain whir happily lol :>#i am slightly scared of it for two major reasons: 1) fish. lord the fish why are they so scary 2) sometimes i think i'll drown and they jus#won't find the body. which is less rational than the fish so that's why fish is my number 1 fear at all times lmao#/i think out of all the animals on the planet i am the most scared of ordinary fish. not even the deep sea stuff hfbshv#cuz look they're so far down there you Have to assume they look funked. and also they prolly don't like human meat. so it's cool#but regular fish?? some of them eat birds. they eat birds dude. what would they do to me if they knew how to use harpoons??#also they for SURE eat corpses so we loop back to fear no. 2 really just being fear no. 1 hbfhs#/see i'm not even that scared of the animals my parents are determined on exploding. like man if i get eaten that was prolly bound#to happen anyway. i Know how that goes. i know what mauling is lol#i am the only person in this house who will walk around outside on a moonless light w/ no flashlight because if i was sposed to be dead i#can guaranteE there are much better opportunities. funnier ones‚ too#/just looked it up bobcats are SHY little guys. they are just shy babies. except for when they have rabies :)#shy rabies babies <3#/anyway back to the fish. i don't like how there are some that specifically like to eat human skin. mmm no i have never liked that ever not#one little bit. makes my skin crawl hghfsh#i don't care what it does or can do that is NOT cool lil dude ;w;#/hang on i'm googling 'weirdest things fish eat' because i want to scare myself i guess hbfhvbsf :'3#they're only showing me weird fish!!! no !! tell me about a fish that's living exclusively off of plastics!! or car tires !! come on !!!#these guys are just funky looking. and just Kinda funky looking. though this humphead guy is funny lol :)#he looks scary but with a charm that i can't deny#his forehead. and mouf. this guy is awesome#and of course he's endangered because the world is exploding. but it's so cool he exists :D#//anyway fish are scary. and miss humphead is Huge so goofiness aside he's also scary hhfbvs#also why do some of those motherfunkers swim close to shore and bite at you. those guys suck so bad#that's only happened to me so many times but enough for me to have a fear that has lasted for over half a decade lmao#//and anywho i'm running out of tag space lol :)#we're going ot the park!! i'm going to skate :DD !!#i wanna get good at my old stuff again hfsh - so bye! bye !! toodles !!!
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Realized I never posted pictures of the finished thing. Oops! 😂
Lampshade instructions.
#Origami#Papiroflexia#Paper Folding#we won't use it as a lamp though so I don't know where to put this huge thing lol
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You know what, joining that Discord show club was a great idea, like half of my favourite PKC folks are there. And is there anything more wholesome than someone going '1!! hey, I remember that dog!! she's adorable, I'm glad she's doing well!' about a little pixel friend they made for you years ago?
#someone also said they liked one of my older petz that I got from a member of the Polish Petz community back in the day#and we went on to reminiscent about how the community used to be back then#honestly? in a way that talk is the closest thing I'll ever get to closure in regards to what happened with the PKC#and I think that with that I can actually try and move on#even though it's pretty damn tough when a niche site that's been around since you were born just...... falls apart due to technical issues#but I've done it before. SHiR felt like it would never go away too after all#and I was there with PTI practically since the very beginning and until the very end#anyways the Petz community is still so vibrant and cool#it hurts but it'll heal. It somehow hurts way more now that I'm an adult though.#maybe because now the Polish Petz community basically /has/ no home? and I've known some of those people since I was 11?#still.... all good things must come an end and I can accept it. I feel I'm slowly getting closer to that point.#maybe I'll slowly warm up to the concept of using my RKC account ahahaha.... the RKC people were always really nice after all#the Petz community at large won't die anytime soon I don't think. Most of us have been here for at least 10 years after all.#a huge chunk of them for 20+ years#again. some people have been here longer than I've been alive#it's not something that can entirely disappear
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dipping my toe into fandom discourse here, which is never a great idea, but—i really am baffled by the contingent of fans who apparently want AO3 to not only denounce but ban AI-generated works, as if there were any reliable way to distinguish between mediocre writing produced by a human and mediocre writing produced by an AI…?
#i saw someone say elsewhere‚ and agree‚ that all a ban would accomplish wld be to discourage fans who make use of AI from indicating as much#i do personally think the best writing won't be by AIs#or at least‚ it'll have been edited with a fine-toothed comb by a human who's got a really good sense of style and story themself#such that they could've produced the writing unaided‚ and the AI armature is just a crutch#but imo the big issues with AI are like. (1) the dataset it gets trained on—#though like. human artists *also* view other people's art and incorporate it into their body of influences‚ tbh?#we just get mad when they copy someone else's work TOO directly. but it's in their heads informing the art they produce!—#and (2) its potential to put humans out of work—which i have *huge* sympathy for‚ but also… that's been true of every machine ever invented#(also like. fandom is a gift economy‚ not paid work‚ so that aspect of things literally doesn't apply in an AO3 context.)#but like people have brought up the luddites in connection with this and. yeah.#ultimately there's always still a place for human operators and human oversight and human curation of the machines' raw output#and so ultimately i think we'll just have to work out what that place will be in this context#and in the meantime—i'd hope people would disclose when work has been created using AI#which they absolutely *won't* do if sites are out there banning it! people who want to use it will still use it‚ and just lie!#like you can say 'but then you don't get the satisfaction of knowing you're being praised for work *you* did‚ bc the AI did it!'#'surely that sense of being an impostor will discourage people!'#but like. hello. i've seen (and reported) multiple *very clear* instances of fic plagiarism.#the fact that those 'authors' were getting praised for‚ not only work they didn't do‚ but *someone else's* work‚ did not deter them!#saw someone going 'AO3 has its particular set of organizing principles & that's valid! we should just make our own sites where we ban AI!'#and like. hello: if your mini-archive gets popular enough that ppl want to be part of it‚ posters who use AI *will* just lie to you???#(i'm curious abt the overlap between that camp and users who think DNIs are effective‚ lol.)#anyway.#Fannish Ethical Concerns
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Mystery!Hunter is pathetic (affectionate)
Don't mind the nick on his neck I'm sure everything's fine
(don't tag with 'what about (character) I am aware MANY Hunter ships exist. This is a meme for AU purposes. Shhh)
Original image
#Cloverart#Doodle#toh mystery au#Hunter#Hunter Noceda#The owl house#Toh#I gotta stop doodling things and start writing but agh! Ideas!#I don't have many plot ideas YET#This whole au was inspired by Wednesday though. And Hunter is similar to one of the characters#Won't say who! That's a huge spoiler#The scratches have nothing to do with it /srs
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Does anyone have knowledge (from which I might benefit) about how staffing decisions (scheduling, onboarding/offboarding, etc) work at universities in the UK (regardless of whether there’s big differences between regions/countries)? Asking for a fic. (parentheses.)
#ineffablefool original post#i'm not sure whether to tag 'not good omens' or not#but the fic is a good omens fic so i guess i won't?#anyway google's not being hugely useful for my specific questions#and i want to know whether what i'm thinking is close enough to real that it wouldn't be jarring#like apparently over there youse guys do 3-year degrees instead of 4#(my question is about staff even though this example is about students)#and so probably you don't have the concept of 'go to a 2-year/community college first and then transfer for the last two years#so that you finish/get your degree from the big university even though for two years you only paid community college fees'#that kind of thing!#i took seven years to get my BS that's probably Fuckin Unheard Of over there huh
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Just the other day I was chatting with an older woman about this exact thing. She's retired so she enjoys going on almost-daily walks around her neighborhood and the surrounding neighborhoods. Well she told me that it was really weird that in the newer constructions where the younger families live, EVERYONE has their blinds closed all the time. In fact she can tell a younger family lives in a house based on the simple fact of whether or not their blinds are closed in the middle of a sunny day. It's to the point where she can't even tell if they're even HOME and available for a visit to welcome them to the neighborhood!
When she said that, I realized that I do that too when I live in a more publicly visible apartment. I told her that I think it's because of the internet. Younger people feel like we're constantly being watched, observed, and JUDGED for merely existing. So when we're home, we just want to be alone, unbothered, and unobserved because it's the one place we can control that. She was very surprised to hear that I felt like that and she was VERY concerned for us young folk (and to be honest after talking with her I became pretty concerned too...)
People from her generation will have their blinds open all day, hang out on their front porch, and randomly visit/enjoy random visits from neighbors and strangers. If a stranger knocks on my door it's scary and if they want to stay and chat? It's a huge inconvenience and it feels super awkward and weird and I'm stuck wondering why exactly they're talking to me, when just a few decades ago welcoming someone new to the neighborhood was just what you did! In fact to not do so was rude!
It made me really worried that as the Panopticon sinks its teeth deeper into our psyches, we are losing the very essence of what makes us human and got us this far as a species: community. I find that being on the internet for hours a day tends to almost trick my brain into thinking "I've been social all day, my social need is full" when in reality I've only talked to one, maybe two people I know from my real life all day, and only for short bursts, not REAL conversation.
I find it hard to have the energy to invite friends to hang out, and when I want to I feel like I'm a big inconvenience for asking them to take a break from their busy lives for me (not that they would ever say that's the case, but it's this nagging feeling internally). I feel like while we used to be a series of large islands of local community, our islands splintered apart and started drifting away from each other. Now your island is just you, your immediate family, and maybe a couple close friends. Those living physically closest to you feel like they're miles away and unreachable, to the point where you might as well not even bother.
I guess I just have one question for you: Do you know the names of your next door neighbors?
#there was another woman just a couple years older than me in the conversation as well and she agreed with me#what happened to us?#community#if you don't have a physical local community please find one you don't think you need it until you suddenly do and wish you had one#i only know ONE of my neighbors (across the hall) and i live in a huge complex#and i only know them because we coincidentally met on Nextdoor without knowing we were neighbors#if it weren't for that i would've never knocked on their door or said hello or even acknowledged their existence further than a smile#but they're actually super nice and good friends! unfortunately we're moving this week so we won't be seeing much of them now#i want to make more of an effort to meet neighbors but it just fills me with this awful anxiety ugh#I'm glad i found our local UU church and joined it so i do have a physical local community#but i had to go out of my way and i think that's the issue: going out of my way#you have to decide to go out and join a church or club sport or tabletop group and it's hard to do that!#we aren't taught how to do that gracefully or even how fundamentally necessary it is to us as humans!#it's like our social need is seen as unimportant or at least way less important than our hunger and sleep and hygiene needs#even though again our ability to communicate and form community is what allowed us to evolve to this point#it's just so frustrating and i can barely figure out how to solve the problem for myself let alone as a whole societal/generational thing#i just stay in my apartment all day invisible to the world feeling safe in my anonymity#as if that isn't on some level denying the very thing that makes me human#we're more connected than ever but we're also more lonely than ever. the fuck#I'm rambling now i need to stop#this whole post addition was originally tags but i felt it was important enough to actually add to the post#aa
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